weird places...weird feelings...weird memories...weird me...

Look at me - posting again! Home for Easter...kind of nice...kind of weird..kind of peaceful...kind of stressful. Going home is full of contradictions. So much. Like Beckett.

I hate questions...and my life is so full of them right now. It seems that everything is a question and that I don't even know where to begin looking for the answers.

Watching Enchanted with my Mom right now - how lovely...to have all the answers. And happily ever after.

so I thought I'd try this xanga thing again....

so much happens in the course of time I don't write in this thing. I don't know where to begin..

I've been doing a lot of pondering lately, which is more than thinking. I am trying to figure out where exactly I am, cause I just really don't know right now. My life is kinda topsy-turvy and I am really not sure about....well, most things. And then when I feel sure about something, I am either turned down or reprimanded. So I am getting to a weird funk of callusness - where I am just trying to emit a "I don't really care" attitude. But I do. Of course.

And then there are wonderful new things. Things that excite me and scare me and make me laugh. And while I don't really know what to think about them, I am trying to embrace them and RUN with them. I have done too much waiting in my life and I regret a lot of it. Most of it, really. So while I might not make the greatest or best choices, while things might not always turn out exactly how I want them to, while I might even get hurt a little - I will be doing something. I feel, right now, that any choice is better than no choice at all, that okay results are better than stagnation, and that pain is better than numbness. I am refusing to let myself feel like I am wasting my life.

I have had some rough stuff happening. And I love the people that have been getting me through it. The people that listen and care that I am hurting and accept the fact that they can't really make it better. But they are still going to be there with me and for me. I have had some moments in the last few weeks where my past has been thrown in my face and I haven't liked it. I have been doing a considerable amount of hiding lately. But I never was all that good at hide'n'seek and things have a way of finding me. But I am trying to be found graciously, to unveil myself as the strong woman I know lurks somewhere inside me, as a capable human that can and will deal with things. So there.

Music is touching me more lately - lines are resonating. I think certain artists are writing about my life. I am crying to lyrics and allowing myself to because - you know what - I've been there and seen it through. Tears are alright - better exposed to the sun to dry faster. I am not letting myself cry in the dark as much. And that's a big step.

I want so much. I hate that I am becoming resigned to not getting. I want to hope but I feel at a loss an awful lot. I don't want to settle but often feel its neccesity.

I'm dancing a fine line right now - in most areas. But at least I'm dancing.

Things I love about London...

everything hurts. literally. my fingers, my scalp, every inch. And I am so weak. I don't know how I'm going to make it to the hospital.

being sick in London is so much worse than at home. for one - I am missing out on so much when I'm homebound here. And I hate asking people for help, even if they are are super willing to give it.

I've slept for about 18-20 of the last 24 hours. And I'm still exhausted.

I'm frustrated. I have been sick soo much the last few months. I wish my body didn't hate me so much.

I'm sorry for the pity party. I'm a whiner, I guess.